if i were to write a suicide note

oh god you want to die, just imagine the sky in all its whiteness with budding trees trying to take take take and they ask themselves, is it enough, and it never is we are all inefficient but some better than others sometimes the sand between your toes in the summer time isnt worth it and as smoke trailed in whisps from your sick mouth out around the corner you imagined it was your dreams whisked carefully and surely away like tiny bubbles from the ocean to shore like a second slips unnoticed. every hair you have stands up but its not cold maybe one day it will be when walls won't keep civilization in when all you have are forests as friends and lovers will never be thought of again. oh god if you existed i'd kiss you square in the face and say i'm sorry without a direct meaning, like we all do because we are just sorry people reasons will hide in the corners of the places only i know, trails that glide too far back and soil too dry for saplings, i was made to not grow a thing. oh god you want that pair of scissors under your desk in math class, that bleach you left in a disheveled bathroom for hard carpet phone calls under a baby grand and screams and screams of sorry sorry sorry we are all just so fucking sorry and if anyone reaches i'll let it ring but giving in is easy and promises i break. when you didn't know the answers so you left eraser marks when you didn't have a dollar so you scrambled for change and quarters never cut it. when you were sad and couldnt speak so you drank alone when you pretended to be good because how could you have so much you didn't deserve. when you were 7 years old and the neighbor took you to his back bedroom to have whatever so you kept everything shut except the good stuff, an acorn collection, a radioshow, little brother singing rock and roll into a plastic playschool microphone so excuses became what we learned and silence was gold flecks in a rushing river but that little girl drowned. and again will it ever be enough to see the grass left to grow wild in the yard or to hear the angel babies overtones, emerald engagement rings given back diamonds sucked up and gone traded for endless unhappy circle of life consuming and lending fucking and settlling when for once something shines in that area of heart tissue left lovely but it goes much to fast. do what you should have done is the simple model and nothings worse than too late. you're no broke down bottom of the bottle man but how long will it take til all that resembles joy passes synapses as nostalgia, top speed wind and freshwater mist kisses broken glass treasured feeding raccoons in the woods the gentle holding of hands reading red wheelbarrows falling on the bed with eyes closed sleeping in a tent a way home and it doesnt matter now or then and you need to let them know yes i love you but no i can't stay the cracks in our lips will burn so hot with ache. remember the end of the world and remember the ghosts you wrote about jumping up and down and the child inside. the lake at night toes in the lily pads flightless and forever unappreciative you'll dive and say sorry sorry sorry thank you thank you thank you